The only thing you need to know before reading these is that the guy, Justin, wears his hair in a "half-hawk." This means he shaved all of his hair except a strip on top, which, as he says, he pulls back into such a tight ponytail that he's going bald. One person compared his hair to a Davy Crockett hat. And that's damn accurate. Get the picture? Here are the quotes.
"I weigh a little over 200. [When pressed:] About 250."
"This program, man, Celestia, you can look at stars. You can zoom around real fast, and it shows the speed, k over m or something. Maybe kilometers per mile."
"The night she got pregnant, we didn't have a condom. I didn't care. I figured I was responsible enough to face up to the consequences [and face up he has -- at 19, he's got a kid]."
"This guy squealed to the state because his mom was using crack with her boyfriend. Even though she had somebody babysitting them at the time. What a little bitch."
"If I got paid to do what I do, I'd be a millionaire."
"If I wrote a book, nobody would believe me."
"What kind of idiot can't tell the difference between Koreans and Japanese?"
"I can't remember who, but they did a study about Bill Gates that said it wouldn't be worth it for him to bend down and pick up a 500 dollar bill."
"America was founded by bigots. Everyone in America is a bigot. We're the only country in the world like that."
"Man, I'm going to be a millionaire. I'm an inventor. Want to hear my idea? I've got the idea to make farts smell like things. Someday women will have parties where they fart rose scents on each other. I have to patent this."
"I'm a mechanical genius. I made a device that lets you get high without doing anything. My friend almost passed out, though."
"I hate rednecks."
"A guy I know pokes holes in the condoms at the bowling alley he manages."
"In my opinion, George Bush is even worse than Hitler. I like Bill Clinton, though."
"My girlfriend hated her ex-fiance because he'd take her Camaro off jumps."
"I met my girlfriend when she started hanging out with my brother because she was sick of her fiance. After a few weeks she started to like me and left her fiance, and then we moved in together."
"Blah blah blah Dungeons and Dragons blah blah blah People love it when I'm the dungeonmaster blah blah."
"Blah blah Magic the Gathering blah blah."
"I went to a brothel in Dungeons & Dragons this weekend with my friend. We spent a million copper pieces on a halfling. We were playing as half-ogres. We impaled her, if you know what I mean about half-ogres. We left without paying."
Ok, I'm sure I'll have plenty more material in the days ahead now that I've committed myself to bringing a little notepad to work.