Fake resolutions for 2024

If anyone asks what my resolutions are for 2024, I might reply with one of these. My hope is that these are all some kind of uncomfortable or confusing for the person who asked.

• Complete my probation
• Do 10 sit-ups without a rest
• Father a child. Since it takes 9 months, if things aren't looking good on the dating front by the end of January I'll just "donate" to a clinic.
• Finish a crossword puzzle
• Finish my novelization of the Cinnamon Bear radio show from the 1930s
• Grow two inches taller. There are supplements. I get emails about them every day.
• Learn how to play Tetris
• Make the front page of the local newspaper
• Move out of my group home
• Put another 10,000 dollars in my cryogenics savings account
• Start making money as an Instagram influencer
• Transition 25% of my life into virtual reality. By the end of the year, have a full-time job at the K-Mart recreation in VR Chat.
• Apply lotion at least once a month
• Create the next Twitter
• Submit a post to the Reddit Writes Seinfeld sub and get five upvotes on it. (You can tell this resolution is fake because fuck Reddit for banning third party clients.)
• Write the Next Great American Microfiction post (on the Fediverse) / write a microfiction every day.